Episode 32: The Getaway (The Cutthroat Chronicles with Siobhan Thompson)
The Gateway is the thirty-second episode in the series and the third episode of The Cutthroat Chronicles. The Band of Boobs meets a powerful new foe and attempts to escape Smuggler's Bounty with their lives! Moonshine pulls off some Nightcrawler-esque shenanigans, Beverly goes smite for smite, and Hardwon rocks a new pair of skinny jeans. Siobhan Thompson joins us as "Field Elf" barbarian Apple Scrumper! Plot Synopsis Treasures and New Pants We open the episode on the Band of Boobs knocked out in one big dead bed. Apple is the current MVP (Most Vertical Player), and the only one conscious (besides Paw Paw) in the deceased Captain's Quarters. Snot is dead on the floor of the room next to his War horn along with two other now deceased orcs. Apple has the necklace with the gem containing Ulfgar, and although her intelligence is fairly low, it's not so low that she's wearing what feels like a cursed object. The Band of Boobs are unconscious but still doing what they do best: offering really terrible advice. Beverly suggests that maybe it's a magical item that will help her if she puts the necklace on. Hardwon tells her to punch the guns. Moonshine whispers for her to take the necklace to a jeweler. Balnor suggests everyone stay above deck with the guns. Apple wisely ignores them all. She looks around the quarters, finally able in this moment of peace to investigate what is around her. examines the desk which has some writing utensils, a big stein, and an open scroll. Underneath the desk is a large treasure chest with a big gold keyhole on the front. She ignores the desk because she can't read. Paw Paw is reassuring her that it's fine she can't read, but heads over himself and starts reading the letter. Apple decides to go through Snot's pockets and finds not only a gold key, but his hand-held device that he was using to control the guns above. The handheld device is a remote shaped to fit his palm. It has three buttons: one on the top, one in the middle, and one that is near where the pinky would be if held in the palm of a hand. Apple senses that the remote is very dangerous (Paw Paw enthusiastically agrees) and decides to just use the key to open the chest. She slowly unlocks the chest and uses her great sword to push it open. She instantly hears a buzzing and whirling gold scarabs come flying out of the chest and attack her. She manages to dodge the worst of the attacks and notices that the chest was fairly shallow and there aren't any scarabs left after the initial onslaught. She turns the key a bit more but notices there's a little bit of a pull. As she tries to adjust the key to fit better she realizes this chest is really a drawer. She slides it open and sees a brown bag inside, with intricate green and blue and red markings. She opens the bag only to be blown away by the magic item she holds: a bag of holding! Inside the bag there is a bunch of treasure. She finds 120 platinum, the gauntlets of Ogre power, the javelin of lightning, boots of speed, and the ring of defense. Apple marvels at the goodies while the Band of Boobs manage to take their short rest and heal. As Hardwon comes out of his rest, he momentarily feels the shakes and some coldness, but his strong constitution enables him to fight off his growing craving for R. Cane. He's mentally shook, but not physically so. Beverly glances over and sees that Hardwon is still dick out after being pantsed by a big beefy orc boy from earlier and gingerly covers him with a towel. Moonshine and Apple, used to nudity, are unbothered. At Balnor's insistence, Hardwon eventually puts on a pair of slacks, Snot's to be exact. The pants well, they fit him snugly and quite nicely, causing his bulge to look at least twice the size that it usually is. Moonshine comments on how he's lookin definitely like they had a LONG rest not a short rest and Hardwon quickly changes into a looser pair of pants but keeps the Captain's pants in his bag for a later date when they go to Irondeep to impress his ex, Gemma. With slacks put on and away and health restored, Moonshine asks Apple to catch them all up with what happened after everyone was knocked the fuck out. Apple does and lets them know about the treasure she's found! 60 whole platinum coins for them all to split! Plus all the items. Moonshine tells her that she should have all the platinum, Apple declines but the group insists. "She should have at least half of them though, right gang?" Balnor asks them all. They all agree to split these sixty platinum right down the middle, half for ol' Apple and half for the Band of Boobs. Paw Paw observers the whole situation with some judgment directed towards Apple but Moonshine reprimands him for being greedy. "Sorry he's a lawyer you know how they are." Hardwon tells her. Balnor sees the bag and asks everyone if he can take it. "instead of watching the bagS I can just watch the ONE bag." It's a great present for old Bagnor. Moonshine takes the gauntlets and starts to do curls on Hardwon's biceps, looking JUST like Emily Blunt. Hardwon takes the javeiln in honor of his ship and father, both born of the storm. Beverly examines the boots and decides to take those for his own. Apple, glancing down at her overalls, declares that she will take the ring of defense if no one else will take it since overalls aren't over all very protective even if they are chain-mail lined. A Beautiful and Foreboding Note and a New Alliance Moonshine saunters over to the desk and looks at the letter. Remembering she doesn't know how to read, she tells everyone how very important the letter is and how they must read it out loud. She passes it to Hardwon who agrees how important it is (but also cannot read). Beverly climbs on Hardwon's shoulder, and looks at PawPaw who gives him a knowing look. Beverly reads the letter out-loud. The handwriting is impeccable, like a calligraphy artist. It reads: "Captain, I reluctantly agree to your terms. Demanding money upfront is brutish to say the least, but I understand why someone in your field might be reluctant to trust a buyer. It would be far more effective for you to just give me the dwarf NOW But we'll do it your way. The money means nothing to me. And should you renege on the deal, I'll simply destroy you. As requested here is 5000 platinum up front. One week from today we will meet in Smuggler's Bounty. My traveling compatriots and I will arrive quietly the night before. On sundown on the day of your first arrival you will meet me in Suite 222 and deliver me one Ulfgar Trueaxe. If you do not arrive on time, I will send a lieutenant after you. Enclosed is an enchanted gem that will allow you to imprison Ulfgar. I assure you that whatever petty means you are using to contain him now wont' work in the longterm. He will recover, and he will escape. He is special. He means so much to me. Simply hold the gem over his incapacitated body and speak the command word "Ilsed." He will be imprisoned and unable to be freed by normal means. These were handcrafted by a powerful dwarven geomancer. Keep it somewhere close. One week is a long time to watch over one of the Legendary Heroes. The order has eyes everywhere. If you seek to double cross us, we will know. I shall have the dwarf." It is signed at the bottom simply, "Akarot." The Band of Boobs and Apple try to figure out who Akarot is. No one has heard of him but they know who Ilsed is, and they don't feel good about someone who uses his name as a command word. Their conversation is interrupted by a knocking. Beverly shrieks just a teeny bit. Next to the captain's quarters is the bunk room for the rest of the crew. Across the ship by the stairs, is another little room. The knocking is coming from there, it sounds like labored and steady kicking. A muffled voice comes through the door and more kicking as Apple asks who's in there. After a quick exchange the group decides to open the door just a crack. They all get into intimidating poses though, so whoever is there doesn't realize that all of them had just died and thought they were hella strong. Hardwon does a quick pant change to get back into the fancy pants (with Bevelry's help because they are just SO right), Beverly clicks his heels and yells Yippie Skippy! Apple just does a hand-stand, and Moonshine gets ripped real quick. Finally ready, they open the door and see that the person inside the room can't even see them, he's bound up on a chair that has fallen over with his back to the door. Suddenly the group realizes they know this man, it's Yarn, the drunken orc pirate they had met at the bar. He scoots over so that he can see the group and gives them all a very confused look. He exchanges confused muffled noises as the group tell him about all the bullets, figuratively and literally, he has dodged since they last met. Hardwon decides that a conversation should in fact be two ways and ungags Yarn. He starts to speak but looks over the Band of Boobs and notices the utter carnage in the hall. "Oh you killed all my friends did you?" Moonshine assures him that it's okay because honestly, his friends killed them too. Hardwon also tells him it's all his fault since Yarn did in fact tell them where Ulfgar was. Beverly, trying very hard to have some good news tells Yarn that one of his friends just took a swim and is absolutely doing fine, turning his life around. Yarn, undeterred, assures them bygones are bygones but asks if they had gone through the captain's quarters and found anything...interesting? Hardwon immediately tells them they found everything, know everything, including the meeting with Akarot. Yarn tells them if they just pay him for his help, a bit of a finder's fee if you will, he'll just scoot on out of their way. Apple assures him that the payment he is receiving is his life, but is curious about what Snot's remote does. He tells them all for one platinum, he'll tell them what it does, especially the pinky button. The Band of Boobs agree, insisting that they cover the payment since Apple ONLY has 30 platinum, and shove the piece in his mouth which he swallows and refuse to untie them. He tells them that the button up top controls the guns and the middle releases the grease traps. He points to his shoes and tells the Band of Boobs that the entire crew wore special shoes that prevented them from slipping in the grease and were marked with runes that prevented the guns from shooting them. But he did not know what the last button did. With all the information they can get out of him, the Band of Boobs must decide what to do. Hardwon suggests they just give him a bunch of faulty information so he goes out and spreads misinformation. Immediately jumping on this plan, Moonshine informs Yarn they are agents of Thiala, and everything they do is in her name. Hardwon jumps in that they're in fact Chosen Knights. Yarn tells them this makes sense, especially Hardwon who looks like one. Tight pants, small feet, the whole package. While Hardwon yells back at him that no HE is the one with small feet, one of the guns from above deck goes off. They turn to Apple who assures them it wasn't her pressing a button that caused it to off. They quickly turn to question Yarn who tells them it most likely went off because someone is on the boat. Snot's Lot had received a warning ahead of the planned meeting that these dudes coming for the trade were not to be fucked with. Snot had seemed rattled but the price was right, hence the cool-ass ship. Moonshine, done with Yarn's blabbering, peeps out the peep hole and realizes it's getting close to sunset and the meeting. Moonshine turns back to the crew and tells them that they need to put the shoes on. Hardwon insists his feet are too huge for the shoes but easily slips them on. Beverly is distraught at the idea of having to take off his new fast shoes, but once Moonshine assures him he can still yell Yippie Skippy and he realizes he can just slip them on over his new shoes, he happily acquiesces. The Band of Boobs is ready to greet their new guests. Guests from Hell Beverly clicks his heels as Moonshine makes him invisible. He runs upstairs, with his only remaining presence, a quiet "yippie skippy" in the air. He peeks at who's there and sees strange foot soldiers everywhere. There are 20 of them wearing black chainmail, their skin is stark white. Where their eyes would be are just sunken eye-sockets with black fog. They clearly know something is going on in the boat. They are tentatively surrounding it, testing the guns. Another gun puts his foot down and a gun starts shooting at him as he tries to board. There are more boats nearby filled with more of these strange pale figures surrounding the boat. On the docks there are three knights in ring-mail. They have the same skin complexion with long black hair and the sunken in eyes. They have big pikes on their back and riding black horses with flames where their manes should be. They flank a terrifying figure in full black-plate with eyes of fire. This terrifying figure's horse is an honest to god hells stallion: a Nightmare. Beverly rapport spores down to his friends. "Just a bunch of really normal guys up here! They DO have fire for eyes, and their skin IS pale white like an alabaster statute. But they're pretty normal." Hardwon decides it is now time for them all to do the heroic thing: run. Moonshine agrees, her curiosity leaning in that direction. Hardwon suggests they sneak off this ship onto their own, the Stormborn parked right next to this one and press the pinky button. No one knows what it does, it could potentially be a self-destruct button and they won't be on the boat anymore. Since invisibility is a concentration spell, Moonshine can't cast it on everyone all at once. She has enough slot spells to make them invisible one by one, and it's worth it to use the spells. But everyone agrees that Balnor should go in the bag, it is honestly his true fate. While he's in there they ask that he arrange everything, maybe put up a shelf or two. But Beverly heeds him not to get bag-madness while he's in there. Balnor promises him that he will resist the call of the bag. Quotes * "I want to bring the thunder and the lightning." * "Now the bag watches ME" Trivia * Akarot's handwriting smells like lilacs. Music/Sound Effects Seagulls" by Dobroide at Freesound.org. "Sea Waves" by Owl at Freesound.org. "Akararot's Letter" by Emily Axford. "Behold! Treasure" by Emily Axford. "Escape From Smuggler's Bounty" by Emily Axford. "Invisible But Not Invincible" by Emily Axford. "Shock at the Dock" by Emily Axford. External Links * Headgum * Spotify * NADPODD Subreddit ThreadCategory:Episodes Category:The Cutthroat Chronicles Category:Season 1